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Homemaker and Mama to 4 beautiful children. My daily journey through life on our farm.

Monday, 19 October 2015

#realityhits



Here they are! 
My beautiful family..well, minus one small ferral boy who couldn't be caught from the bouncy castle to 'pose' with us. 
But that's life isn't it? Kids don't always 'perform' do they?

I felt I needed to write this post to tell you my current thoughts & feelings as I think the whole of insta/Facebook can be an overwhelming world of perfection..which, well, for me at least, just isn't reality!

So here I am 37+3 with baby number four & the last few weeks have been really testing, a hospital stay for a horrible pregnancy complication & my body 100% letting me down even though I'm physically active(who wouldn't be with a farm, three dogs & three kids?!), & eat well etc, has really taken its toll & tonight every emotion I had came flooding out of me. 
Poor Mr P was greeted from work at 10pm tonight to a wife who most certainly did not have her shit together.
Wracked by huge heartbroken sobs, he thought something terrible had happened. After reassuring him that the baby was fine, i told him that I wasn't. 
I can't do it, I told him. I can't give birth, I can't look after her, I can't cope with four kids, I CANT!!!

Phew. There, I said it, my thoughts had been bubbling away, choking me silently whilst well meaning strangers looked at me pitifully & cooed how it 'won't be long don't worry'..& inside I'm screaming I DONT WANT TO HAVE THIS BABY!!

Now don't get me wrong, I've calmed down, we had a long talk(through him helping me out with an entire roll of Andrex to catch the worst of it) I have no idea where this has come from but sometimes, life is just overwhelming. It's TOO MUCH. 
I'm terrified of being in more pain, eventhough I know I can(& kinda have to now I'm committed) give birth, physically, yes it's going to happen very soon, but it hurts like hell, & I've been through enough of that lately.
I'm terrified of having every moment of our day taken up by a screaming hungry baby, because of what it'll mean to my other children, the time I won't be able to give them, the homework I won't be able to help them complete, the healthy food I won't be able to cook.
I'm terrified that yet again our relationship will change, my husband is an AMAZING father, he really is, but he's also just that -MY husband, & call me selfish, but he's spread pretty thin as it is, & my little bit of him shrinking is not something i relish the thought of when I know I'll have to share him with yet another person.
I'm terrified that I just won't cope.
That my tiny house(with a million unfinished jobs) will be chaos in days, & that I'll be stuck on the sofa with sick in my hair & a box of Jaffa cakes for company while everything is everywhere & I have no energy to sort it out.
Honestly I'm not one of those 'the housework can wait' kinda gals. Farmhouses are NOT like real houses, every being who passes through brings dirt with them, sometimes actual shit, be it pig/cow/dog, choose your poision. So it's a huge task to keep on top of, & one that scares me quite a lot actually.

I don't think the fact that sodding Christmas is round the corner is helping either. I'd love to make it special for my children, & by special I mean actually wrap their presents?! Like, how the hell am I physically going to find the time to do that? 
I'm fairly sure this is where my army of reliable friends & family step in.
I'm very lucky, I know that, to have a handful of 'A-Team' people, who, no matter what, are there for me. Whether it's to walk dogs, or pick up pile cream, they've got my back(or my arse).

Maybe if I wasn't a huge control freak none of this would all seem so bad. But I can't change who I am, can i?
Mummy guilt is a terrible thing.
How dare I have these thoughts.
How dare I wish I wasn't pregnant, for even a moment. How dare I moan when I be got entirely myself to blame for this situation? How dare I take for granted the fact I even have a husband to share my fears with...? I'm angry, & sad at myself for even having these feelings. Cue more sobs.

My lovely husband did his best to talk me through the whole situation. To tenderly show me the full nut-job scale of my irrational ramblings...To reassure me that they're all so excited to have this new baby in their lives, they they don't share these 'new mum' fears that I have(that was a revelation I can tell you, I honestly thought they were dreading sharing 'mummy')
He told me of how, in the church on Sunday, one family member took him aside and asked 'how do you do that?' how do you have such perfectly behaved kids? 
Kids who were silent throughout the service when they were meant to be. Kids who were all immaculately turned out, & not one moaned or looked miserable(Poppy dodged shaking the 'weird' vicar's hand but honestly, I'd have done the same if I could've!)
He tried to take the credit but said person knows us well & pointed out it was likely to be more down to me than him that we'd once again managed to at least look like we had our shit together. 

It was the right moment for him to relay this little story. 
Some days we won't be that family, I won't be that mum. When I have Breastmilk stains on my top & our bed hasn't been changed in two weeks. & the teacher calls me in for a 'quick word', I definitely won't be that mum.
But, I guess we're only human. We're all struggling towards the same goal...health, wealth(hmmm), happiness?

So I hope you know now that behind the smiles, the unironed dress, the uncomfortable tights, the £7 new look shoes Ive had for three years & wear to most occasions, & that big(beautiful) bump, things are not always as they seem?

If I've helped a single person to see that they're not the only one who has these thoughts & feelings then it'll have been worth it. If not, well, at least I can pinpoint the moment I actually lost my mind?!

Lots of love...
Kirsty xxx



13 comments:

Debdor said...

That was a very brave thing to share with us. Why do we put so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect at everything all the time... We all need to stop and smell the roses too. I think the time to worry is when you cant say your feelings out loud, that is when things go downhill.

Charlotte Amor Valentine said...

Oh sweetpea, I've just read this & I'm completely with you. I remember feeling the same through both pregnancies (& I only had the 1 or 2 to deal with!) so I can't imagine how scared you are.
But, all I can say is that you will be incredible. Yes you may not be able to have such a tidy house & your kids may have to eat sausage & chips for dinner 3 days running BUT that's absolutely fine.
I think it's awful how much pressure we as women put on ourselves. Just remember that the only one expecting all the stuff you mentioned is yourself, so try to relax & also let others help you.
I'm sure you've got tons of people around you who will be able to do whatever you like.
Infact, I'm going to make a deal with you seeing as I'm only up the road. How about, when the normal rush of excited visitors have drained off....message me & I'll come up with a huge cottage pie for dinner, a bunch of flowers for you & some hands to hold little miss whilst you have a bath xx

Jaki Morris said...

You are amazing. To have aired your fears and shared your worries. You have spoken from the heart so well done you. You will cope because that is what we do. I will be keeping an eye on you albeit from my phone.
Just take care of you and the rest will be alright xxxx

Sian Horsley said...

Oh Kirsty - reading this has made me cry, I'm not sure if that's because of my crazy emotions or because of how raw and honest your post or because maybe i relate a little.

I think your worries are completely rational and probably something that all mummys go through - i have one little monkey who 80% of the time is good as gold but can also be a little testing when she wants and i sometimes find myself thinking i cant do this! I think the above comments are right as women we put way too much pressure on ourselves to always be (or be perceived as) perfect and i know how hard it is living on a farm (most of my friends do) but some of the pressures you mmentioned above really don't matter as long as your children have you and your husband, love and each other they'll have everything they ever need! You've done it three times already you can do it again mama- hope your feeling better xxxx

Sian Horsley said...

Just to clarify when i say the pressures don't matter i mean if standards slip it doesn't matter 😘 xxx

Mut said...
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Rachel said...

Thanks for your honesty. You're doing a great job x

A Farmers Wife said...

That would be AMAZING!! Bless you, love our little Instagram community..& I'm glad you enjoyed a little insight into my life right now xxx

A Farmers Wife said...

Thank you so much for stopping by & reading, & for your support xxxx

A Farmers Wife said...

Thank you Jaki, sometimes life is just overwhelming but we don't really see it in those little Instagram squares do we? Xxxx

A Farmers Wife said...

You're totally right...all these lovely comments have really given me the boost I needed..thank you so much for taking the time to write a few words xxxxxx

A Farmers Wife said...

Aww thank you for stopping by & commenting Rachel

Helena said...

I just found your blog via Instagram, where, by the way, your feed inspirerad me immensely! Had to read your blog and stumbled upon this post which really resonated with me. I'm a Swedish mum of two, planning a third, and right now going through the emotions I think you were feeling when you wrote this post. My husband and I agree on wanting a third child, but deep inside I'm afraid of letting go of control (which I don't really have but think I have...or something��). I so relate to what you wrote here, I had the exact same feelings when pregnant with number two. After giving birth and going through the first rough weeks it gets all rosy and you suddenly you (I) remember only the good stuff and end up wanting one more. But now I keep thinking, what if something goes wrong during pregnancy, how will that affect the two babes we already have. Will I cope? What about the tiny slice of time my husband and I have as a couple, should we really take on even more work. Etc etc. Thank you for being so honest, because really, it's not often you dare approach this subject. I don't a dare talk about it now, and I'm not even pregnant!

Anyway, I will continue following you on Instagram, for the lovely feeling your photos give me. Instagram really is a fabricated world, and I so understand you feeling that it's all a sham sometimes. But you know, today you really made me feel giddy inside, from looking at your lovely photos. I felt happy, inspired and hopeful somehow. So what if your house is a mess sometimes, or you look like a mess, or whatever. We all know that's reality. I like to see Instagram as more of a beautifully written novel, which transports the reader to another world, inspires and perhaps gives him or her new perspectives, or just a break from everyday monotony. And that's not at all bad is it? For me it's a much needed pause from poopy diapers, messy kitchen, sinus infections and toddler tantrums that makes up most of my day. Have a happy weekend, lots of love from Sweden!