Here they are!
My beautiful family..well, minus one small ferral boy who couldn't be caught from the bouncy castle to 'pose' with us.
But that's life isn't it? Kids don't always 'perform' do they?
I felt I needed to write this post to tell you my current thoughts & feelings as I think the whole of insta/Facebook can be an overwhelming world of perfection..which, well, for me at least, just isn't reality!
So here I am 37+3 with baby number four & the last few weeks have been really testing, a hospital stay for a horrible pregnancy complication & my body 100% letting me down even though I'm physically active(who wouldn't be with a farm, three dogs & three kids?!), & eat well etc, has really taken its toll & tonight every emotion I had came flooding out of me.
Poor Mr P was greeted from work at 10pm tonight to a wife who most certainly did not have her shit together.
Wracked by huge heartbroken sobs, he thought something terrible had happened. After reassuring him that the baby was fine, i told him that I wasn't.
I can't do it, I told him. I can't give birth, I can't look after her, I can't cope with four kids, I CANT!!!
Phew. There, I said it, my thoughts had been bubbling away, choking me silently whilst well meaning strangers looked at me pitifully & cooed how it 'won't be long don't worry'..& inside I'm screaming I DONT WANT TO HAVE THIS BABY!!
Now don't get me wrong, I've calmed down, we had a long talk(through him helping me out with an entire roll of Andrex to catch the worst of it) I have no idea where this has come from but sometimes, life is just overwhelming. It's TOO MUCH.
I'm terrified of being in more pain, eventhough I know I can(& kinda have to now I'm committed) give birth, physically, yes it's going to happen very soon, but it hurts like hell, & I've been through enough of that lately.
I'm terrified of having every moment of our day taken up by a screaming hungry baby, because of what it'll mean to my other children, the time I won't be able to give them, the homework I won't be able to help them complete, the healthy food I won't be able to cook.
I'm terrified that yet again our relationship will change, my husband is an AMAZING father, he really is, but he's also just that -MY husband, & call me selfish, but he's spread pretty thin as it is, & my little bit of him shrinking is not something i relish the thought of when I know I'll have to share him with yet another person.
I'm terrified that I just won't cope.
That my tiny house(with a million unfinished jobs) will be chaos in days, & that I'll be stuck on the sofa with sick in my hair & a box of Jaffa cakes for company while everything is everywhere & I have no energy to sort it out.
Honestly I'm not one of those 'the housework can wait' kinda gals. Farmhouses are NOT like real houses, every being who passes through brings dirt with them, sometimes actual shit, be it pig/cow/dog, choose your poision. So it's a huge task to keep on top of, & one that scares me quite a lot actually.
I don't think the fact that sodding Christmas is round the corner is helping either. I'd love to make it special for my children, & by special I mean actually wrap their presents?! Like, how the hell am I physically going to find the time to do that?
I'm fairly sure this is where my army of reliable friends & family step in.
I'm very lucky, I know that, to have a handful of 'A-Team' people, who, no matter what, are there for me. Whether it's to walk dogs, or pick up pile cream, they've got my back(or my arse).
Maybe if I wasn't a huge control freak none of this would all seem so bad. But I can't change who I am, can i?
Mummy guilt is a terrible thing.
How dare I have these thoughts.
How dare I wish I wasn't pregnant, for even a moment. How dare I moan when I be got entirely myself to blame for this situation? How dare I take for granted the fact I even have a husband to share my fears with...? I'm angry, & sad at myself for even having these feelings. Cue more sobs.
My lovely husband did his best to talk me through the whole situation. To tenderly show me the full nut-job scale of my irrational ramblings...To reassure me that they're all so excited to have this new baby in their lives, they they don't share these 'new mum' fears that I have(that was a revelation I can tell you, I honestly thought they were dreading sharing 'mummy')
He told me of how, in the church on Sunday, one family member took him aside and asked 'how do you do that?' how do you have such perfectly behaved kids?
Kids who were silent throughout the service when they were meant to be. Kids who were all immaculately turned out, & not one moaned or looked miserable(Poppy dodged shaking the 'weird' vicar's hand but honestly, I'd have done the same if I could've!)
He tried to take the credit but said person knows us well & pointed out it was likely to be more down to me than him that we'd once again managed to at least look like we had our shit together.
It was the right moment for him to relay this little story.
Some days we won't be that family, I won't be that mum. When I have Breastmilk stains on my top & our bed hasn't been changed in two weeks. & the teacher calls me in for a 'quick word', I definitely won't be that mum.
But, I guess we're only human. We're all struggling towards the same goal...health, wealth(hmmm), happiness?
So I hope you know now that behind the smiles, the unironed dress, the uncomfortable tights, the £7 new look shoes Ive had for three years & wear to most occasions, & that big(beautiful) bump, things are not always as they seem?
If I've helped a single person to see that they're not the only one who has these thoughts & feelings then it'll have been worth it. If not, well, at least I can pinpoint the moment I actually lost my mind?!
Lots of love...