Christmas shiz...

Yeah it's been a while since I've blogged, I literally feel like I don't have time to brush my teeth these days(don't worry, I do it whilst I'm on the loo, unhygienic multi tasking at its best there). 

So it really pisses me off that people comment that if I'm so busy, how come I have time for social media? 

Well, I breastfeed Annie at least every two to three hours(day & night, yawn), & after checking my bank account(still empty), my emails, reading the school newsletter, checking my followed searches in eBay, txting my husband an 'SOS I need a cuppa' at least three times a day, checking the weather, reading the daily mail(don't judge), I pretty much have a good ten minutes left to myself to do what the hell I like!

Usually, Instagram first. I like to see people's beautiful houses, rugs without stains(the cat pissed on ours last week), in front of roaring fires(how the hell do you people not have walls black with smoke, our log burner has doors & the picture frames are still filthy!) with pretty lights hung above(I've made three trips to various stores trying to locate the perfect shade of 'white' fairy lights(and sodding failed in my quest)! 

I like to see toddlers eating healthily, drinking from miniature Emma bridgewater mugs, eventhough I've packed my son off to school with a twix, a hot cross bun & a go ahead yogurt bar(sugar high!) & his current favourite cup to drink from is the free snoopy one which came with last weeks McDonalds. I guess it's nice to 'escape' the madness, even if a lot of what we see is fictional(for want of a better word)

Facebook is probably where I'll head next, im basically just nosey, which is why I don't post as much there as I do on IG, it annoys me that people only know what's going on in our life because they've read it, not because they've made the effort to be around us? Do you get me there?

So stop judging me.

I do love seeing what everyone has been up to at Xmas time, it's my bit of escapism, eventhough I'm sad we don't get time to do some of the things other do...There's been no time for a grotto visit, to carefully select a real tree from a  Xmas tree farm as a family, to wrap pretty bows on presents(if it has a name label I'm winning), or to drink hot chocolate in a lovely pub on a Saturday afternoon.

Even Rudolph put two fingers up at me.

You'd think Farmer's aren't so busy in the winter? WRONG! 

Now, it's not like Nige is a turkey farmer, or supplying the whole village with logs, but he is always working. 7 days a week. I have no idea how my single mum friends aren't just rocking in a corner for long periods of the day, as when he is home he is my saviour, able to calm a screaming baby with just a 'hello', telling me I'm beautiful (ok he's not that romantic but he tells me he'd smash my back doors in) on a daily basis when I look my worst after zero sleep & a terrible diet of tea & biscuits.

So all child/house related jobs fall to me, and as I've said before, farmhouses aren't like real houses-they're NOT what you see in country living mag, nooooowhere near. 

Hashtag dontbefooled.

They're dirty, with actual mud, sometimes shit. Dog hair, 'stuff' which has to stay out(paperwork for DEFRA/land agents/animal passports etc etc) our cottage is too tiny for a swish study.

There's always coffee granuals & water on the worktop, always muddy boots at perfect tripping location as you pass through the hallway with a baby in your arms. Always four loads of washing a day ALWAYS. 

Our bins even have to be hauled a mile down the lane & guess who gets that lovely job?(with a baby in a sling, lucky me).

Wrapping. With a baby. Give me strength oh lord.

And just like that, it's Christmas. It creeps up on you!

I've bought & paid for every gift myself. 

I've wrapped every gift myself.

I've trawled ten shops for that one perfect thing I know my father will love to receive. 

I've attended carol concerts at 9pm when I want to hibernate with a Baileys & a blanket.

I've got tangled in fairy lights, banged my head getting the decs out of the eaves, driven back to school to drop off forgotten Xmas cards/food/party clothes.....I've DONE Christmas. 

My husband, he's done nothing. Not a sausage(or pig in blanket if you will). It makes me want to strangle him most years. It's incredibly frustrating doing it ALL alone on top of the fact he's a total Scrooge & hates everything about Christmas. 

(Yes I let him play at the font so I could watch the carol concert in peace)

So I just want to remind you all that when you feel like you want to stab your husband because you sent him to the garage for more prosecco an hour ago & he got distracted lining up spanners in his new snap on tool box, or you have a massive row about who turned the cooker off at the wall..just remember, you are superwoman.

Hashtag Ithinkshelikeshimbestgoddammit

Take a deep breath, pour another drink(alcoholic of course, tea ain't gonna get you through this day) & hide for ten minutes, anywhere, the loo, the garden, anywhere they won't find you.

You are not alone, there are a million other wives and girlfriends out there in the same boat, opening a shit present, feeling guilty for eating a whole tin of Roses(...before Xmas started), getting annoyed with tiny bits of wrapping paper all over the house, wishing they'd remembered to upload their iPhone pics to the laptop because it's full (& who the hell uses a 'proper' camera these days....)

Don't loose sight of the fact it's 

'The most wonderful time of the year' 

Don't you dare. 

We're in this together.

Enjoy(get pissed)

Much love. 

(Insert cheesy family Xmas photo)

Christmas shopping!

Im very lucky to have been born in, & raised near, the beautiful city of Winchester, which every year puts on an amazing Christmas fair around the historic Cathedral. 

We always go for a look round & love looking round all the little wooden huts selling everything from handmade toys, ceramics, clothes, to soap & fudge & everything inbetween.

But, it's now become so popular with tourists & locals alike that I've really been put off going. It's such a battle to get near enough to each little hut to see what's on offer that we end up wandering round, not really looking at anything in particular & coming home empty handed.

This year I could attempt it, with baby girl in a sling & the other kids trailing behind, but somehow I don't think I really fancy that!..Also, taking into account a crepe is about £6, times by three kids & you've got an expensive afternoon out before you've even bought a gift!..

There is an ice rink for the kids but the queues have always been so long that we've never attempted that either.

I haven't pounded the high street this year, although I do love seeing all the shop windows dressed! I think The White Company is one of my personal favourites, their styling is impeccable isn't it? Maybe once all my shopping is done I'll go for a window shop just to take it all in, smug in the knowledge I don't have to hurry or elbow people for bargains!

(They'll be lots of baby feeding stops through the day of course!)

Online shopping is an amazing thing isn't it? I don't know about you, but I can spend hours lost on 'not on the high street', etsy & folksy, not to mention all the lovely shops of IG lovelies I follow!...

This week I discovered this gorgeous talented supplier..

I'm a bit of a mug hoarder..I don't know why, mugs & jugs. I.just.love.them!

I think I may have been looking for Pheasant themed gifts(standard farm theme I'm afraid!) when I stumbled across Fenellas gorgeous makes, just look at these!..

I don't know about you, but I find it so hard to just buy for other people, each gorgeous thing I find I feel like I need too!!..Maybe if I get some cash for Xmas I'll treat myself to a pheasant mug..or perhaps this one?(by big tomato company)

I may have persuaded my mum to grab this new lovely Hare mug in Next the other day, there are lots of matching bits & pieces too, so cute!!

So this year, I had to be super organised with gift buying..I've joined Facebook groups for things like Emma Bridgewater & Cath Kidston, watched eBay like a hawk & had a few big Amazon parcels delivered! I've had to shop smart, my budget is tiny due to being on maternity leave but I still love to buy gifts, & make things look pretty, so I've bought wrap from matalan, primark, home bargains, even Aldi, often on 3 for 2, or 99p a roll for the kids stuff, you can't go wrong. Home bargains has some fab hamper baskets, & felt bags, & I've bought little gifts from the same shops for people like the kids teachers, they look amazing, & i'd be glad to received them myself. 

For the main teachers, I've given them a gorgeous Primark scarf, little next mug, bar of chocolate & some luxury hot chocolate..like a little winter bundle. 

The teaching assistants will be receiving malteesers(£1 a box in home bargains) or a toblerone for the chaps(£1 shop for a big one!) a Primark plastic coffee mug-they're so nice & such good value at £3 each! & luxury hot chocolate. £6 in total for each including gorgeous Primark xmassy gift bag!

I don't have many gifts left to buy but I haven't started wrapping yet so hopefully I'll crack on with that in the next few days as its making me nervous having it all sat there disorganised!

My due date is this Saturday, the 7th of November, but I don't think this baby is cooked just yet so hopefully I have a little while longer to sort operation Christmas!

Wish me luck!!

K x X x 

Lovely things & quality time...

For all you lovely people having a quiet Saturday(like me-girls with family #2 & Wills off beating with Grandma), I thought you might like to see what I picked up on a little shopping trip yesterday?

Mum & I ventured to Next Home & John Lewis in Southampton-those reaaaallly big stores, and gosh these shops know how to suck you in with their gorgeous home/Xmas/nursery displays don't they?

I'm a fondler in shops(ooooh matron!) I have to stroke cushions & throws, pick up beautiful picture frames, rub my cheek against beautiful baby blankets, & open every pack of baby crib sheets to feel how soft they are before buying! 

I get right into the whole 'shopping' experience as I don't get to do it(alone) very often!...So here's my little haul..

Next had the most gorgeous displays throughout the store, a few Xmas bits which looked to be of lovely quality, I'm tempted by a fur Xmas tree skirt, it's grey & soft & would look so nice in my lounge with my glass/white & pink tree ornaments!

I was very restrained though, & bought (mainly) for others!

I picked up these sweet little mugs, priced at a very reasonable £2.50 each, to pop in the 'teachers gifts' selection bags(all my Xmas shopping MUST be done before Little Miss Parsnips arrives)..so far I've bought beautiful scarves as the teachers main gifts, plus chocolate, & luxury hot chocolate, I was just on the lookout for a sweet mug to pop in with it all & Next had just what I wanted..aren't they lovely?(they say 'made with love' they're dinky & have a real 'hand made feel to them') You can make out the scale better in the other photo on here.

Next do a lot of these ceramic & wood hanging bits & im not usually a fan of them but this time there were some really lovely ones, with different quotes in different shapes, I fell in love with this 'always kiss me goodnight' pink heart one, as I hope to do Little Miss P her own little corner in our room(she won't have her own for a long time)...it'll go perfectly!

Onto John Lewis now. And we just HAD to have an Ewan-the dream sheep didn't we? After all, not only does he have amazing reviews, Little P will be a Farmer's daughter so we have to get her used to animals early-right?!

Priced at £29.95, he's not cheap, but trust me, anything which claims to aid baby sleep, is worth its weight in gold in my book!..William is going to help me test Ewan out tonight, we're going to snuggle together & get our smell on him ready for baby to enjoy!

(really sorry for the crap picture quality-it's soooo dark today!)

After a mooch round the nursery department, Ooohing & ahhhhing at all the lovely baby things, I picked up a very practical large wedge changing mat. Inspired by this Pinterest image, I had to have it (it was £15).

(Why are British homes so small?!..my room won't look like this, but you get the idea!)

I crumbled at the tills when I spotted the beautiful Xmas stocking..Baby girl will need her own one to keep the 'magic of xmas' otherwise William will be confused as to why Santa would leave one for everyone but her! 

This one is beautifully soft, thick fleece with lovely faux sheepskin at the top, I just love the Penguins & polar bears!! It was £12.00 & is huge! 

Nana very kindly treated her to it, can't wait to hang it up! (Nearer the time, I am aware it's still October!)

I'm 38 weeks pregnant today, & now always take someone with me(whenever possible) when venturing far from home for shopping trips & errands, i need someone to help me with bags, pushing the trolley, loading the car, unloading the car..etc! It's hard work just walking round the supermarket for an hour. And being a loyal Aldi girl it's made even harder by not being able to pack it all properly at the till, then having to walk the trolley allllll the way back into the store after loading the car, I feel so lazy but it I know it's just the huge weight I'm lugging about! 

I really enjoyed the quality time of having my mum with me yesterday. We're very close, but argue a lot(always down to me!) my mum puts up with being in the firing line from me being stressed & worn out every week, she's always there the instant I need her, and never asks for anything in return. 

She's looked after each of my children with me from the day they were born, when I returned to work each time, had them when I've been ill, needed a weekend off, spoilt them, played with them, taught them & most important of all, loved them. 

She told me yesterday that the recent episode of 24 hours in A&E(if you didn't see it, go watch it, so good) really made her question her parenting of my brother & I. It wasn't smooth sailing, my childhood, & it broke my heart to hear her silently sob as we drove home, listening to her guilt, questioning herself, & me...I guess we never stop feeling mummy guilt, or questioning how we're bringing up our children, we just do the best we can with the limited resources we have?

I want my mum to know, if she reads this, that I love her unconditionally, like I love my children, and my husband, and my brother & father. 

Nothing, no experience past or present, will ever change that. 

I hope my childhood has made me a stronger person, a better, kinder human. 

And I wish my own children are as lucky as I was to have a beautiful loving mother, as I did, for as long as God intends.

I love you Mum, and I can't wait to share Baby girl with you...

Xxx

#realityhits

Here they are! 

My beautiful family..well, minus one small ferral boy who couldn't be caught from the bouncy castle to 'pose' with us. 

But that's life isn't it? Kids don't always 'perform' do they?

I felt I needed to write this post to tell you my current thoughts & feelings as I think the whole of insta/Facebook can be an overwhelming world of perfection..which, well, for me at least, just isn't reality!

So here I am 37+3 with baby number four & the last few weeks have been really testing, a hospital stay for a horrible pregnancy complication & my body 100% letting me down even though I'm physically active(who wouldn't be with a farm, three dogs & three kids?!), & eat well etc, has really taken its toll & tonight every emotion I had came flooding out of me. 

Poor Mr P was greeted from work at 10pm tonight to a wife who most certainly did not have her shit together.

Wracked by huge heartbroken sobs, he thought something terrible had happened. After reassuring him that the baby was fine, i told him that I wasn't. 

I can't do it, I told him. I can't give birth, I can't look after her, I can't cope with four kids, I CANT!!!

Phew. There, I said it, my thoughts had been bubbling away, choking me silently whilst well meaning strangers looked at me pitifully & cooed how it 'won't be long don't worry'..& inside I'm screaming I DONT WANT TO HAVE THIS BABY!!

Now don't get me wrong, I've calmed down, we had a long talk(through him helping me out with an entire roll of Andrex to catch the worst of it) I have no idea where this has come from but sometimes, life is just overwhelming. It's TOO MUCH. 

I'm terrified of being in more pain, eventhough I know I can(& kinda have to now I'm committed) give birth, physically, yes it's going to happen very soon, but it hurts like hell, & I've been through enough of that lately.

I'm terrified of having every moment of our day taken up by a screaming hungry baby, because of what it'll mean to my other children, the time I won't be able to give them, the homework I won't be able to help them complete, the healthy food I won't be able to cook.

I'm terrified that yet again our relationship will change, my husband is an AMAZING father, he really is, but he's also just that -MY husband, & call me selfish, but he's spread pretty thin as it is, & my little bit of him shrinking is not something i relish the thought of when I know I'll have to share him with yet another person.

I'm terrified that I just won't cope.

That my tiny house(with a million unfinished jobs) will be chaos in days, & that I'll be stuck on the sofa with sick in my hair & a box of Jaffa cakes for company while everything is everywhere & I have no energy to sort it out.

Honestly I'm not one of those 'the housework can wait' kinda gals. Farmhouses are NOT like real houses, every being who passes through brings dirt with them, sometimes actual shit, be it pig/cow/dog, choose your poision. So it's a huge task to keep on top of, & one that scares me quite a lot actually.

I don't think the fact that sodding Christmas is round the corner is helping either. I'd love to make it special for my children, & by special I mean actually wrap their presents?! Like, how the hell am I physically going to find the time to do that? 

I'm fairly sure this is where my army of reliable friends & family step in.

I'm very lucky, I know that, to have a handful of 'A-Team' people, who, no matter what, are there for me. Whether it's to walk dogs, or pick up pile cream, they've got my back(or my arse).

Maybe if I wasn't a huge control freak none of this would all seem so bad. But I can't change who I am, can i?

Mummy guilt is a terrible thing.

How dare I have these thoughts.

How dare I wish I wasn't pregnant, for even a moment. How dare I moan when I be got entirely myself to blame for this situation? How dare I take for granted the fact I even have a husband to share my fears with...? I'm angry, & sad at myself for even having these feelings. Cue more sobs.

My lovely husband did his best to talk me through the whole situation. To tenderly show me the full nut-job scale of my irrational ramblings...To reassure me that they're all so excited to have this new baby in their lives, they they don't share these 'new mum' fears that I have(that was a revelation I can tell you, I honestly thought they were dreading sharing 'mummy')

He told me of how, in the church on Sunday, one family member took him aside and asked 'how do you do that?' how do you have such perfectly behaved kids? 

Kids who were silent throughout the service when they were meant to be. Kids who were all immaculately turned out, & not one moaned or looked miserable(Poppy dodged shaking the 'weird' vicar's hand but honestly, I'd have done the same if I could've!)

He tried to take the credit but said person knows us well & pointed out it was likely to be more down to me than him that we'd once again managed to at least look like we had our shit together. 

It was the right moment for him to relay this little story. 

Some days we won't be that family, I won't be that mum. When I have Breastmilk stains on my top & our bed hasn't been changed in two weeks. & the teacher calls me in for a 'quick word', I definitely won't be that mum.

But, I guess we're only human. We're all struggling towards the same goal...health, wealth(hmmm), happiness?

So I hope you know now that behind the smiles, the unironed dress, the uncomfortable tights, the £7 new look shoes Ive had for three years & wear to most occasions, & that big(beautiful) bump, things are not always as they seem?

If I've helped a single person to see that they're not the only one who has these thoughts & feelings then it'll have been worth it. If not, well, at least I can pinpoint the moment I actually lost my mind?!

Lots of love...

Kirsty xxx

Im back!..Again!

I know I know, it happened again!..

I said I would keep up with my blog and look, another year has gone by already!.. Seriously how does that happen?

I have no idea, but anyway I'm here now so enough of the mummy guilt!

It's 3am, and I've been inspired (by reading the 'home that made me' blog, by the lovely Charlotte Valentine!) to update my own blog as it was such a lovely diary to be able look back on!

Can you believe I've had my blog about seven years now?..where did the years go?!

So Mr P has finally finished harvest-thank god. It's been really hard work this past couple of weeks, just doing bedtime by yourself, & being the only person who ever tidies up the house, walking the dogs, food shopping, general day-to-day chores and every day life in general-sitting down at the end of the day & having no one to 'share' with has been tough! This Sunday he spent the entire day mowing beautiful stripes in the lawn, and tidying all of Williams hideous garden toys away! So although he wasn't 'in' the house, it was still lovely to have him around!

I'm now 32 weeks pregnant, and it's going by so quickly!...

With this post I thought I would just update you on our lives in general, bring you up to speed on what's been going on around here lately?

So it was Wills first full day at school yesterday, I'm a bit sad for him as he's not the most confident of children and he hasn't bound in with endless energy. Maybe the fact that he didn't go to preschool with his classmates has set him off on the wrong foot?.. I'm sure in a few weeks time he'll make some firm friends, for now, I'll be gentle with him & make sure he's well fed, & in bed on time every night, tired children do not make happy children in my experience!

Poppy started senior school too, and whilst she doesn't love the idea of school (neither did ,I I can't exactly blame her!) she's settling in really well, is being very organised about her homework & is up on time for her mini bus every morning! 

Ruby has been her usual self, very helpful, talks endlessly about the baby, & is pretty much always in a good mood! Go Ruby!

I've been trying to be super organised now that the kids have gone back to school, just doing one little thing each day has been a huge help. 

From sorting out a box of photos, to washing and putting away a bag of baby clothes I've been given or maybe even just sorting the dog leads into their own 'place', I feel like if I can do a little bit at a time it won't seem like such an overwhelming task!..I really do believe in the 'tidy house tidy mind' mantra, and I'd like things to be a little more organised around here, before little miss parsnips makes her arrival!

Next on the list is Williams huge mountain of farm toys and books! There are just so many, that at the moment, I can't see the wood for the trees, and I feel like they're overtaking the downstairs of our house!.. Once I've cleared them all, it'll be a little easier to see any options of Christmas present ideas too..! 

Don't get me wrong, before you start start shouting 'wow you're so organised', don't forget I'm due to have a baby on 7th of November, & I don't plan on doing any Christmas shopping between then & December 25th-if I've managed to leave the house for a pint of milk in that time I'll be giving myself a huge high five!!

I'm just eagerly anticipating the shops stocking their Christmas wrap right now-come on hurry up!! Then I can really crack on. I hate wrapping & the sooner it's over with, the better!

Well, that's it, you're all caught up I think?

If here's anything you'd like me to blog about, maybe leave me a comment either on here or on my Instagram page & I'll get writing! 

Lots of love, 

Kirsty xxx